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Each week in Fantasy football, I would write a funny little entry entitled "On winning".  It was just a funny way for me to be silly and add a little smack talk to the league.

So the Fantasy Football season is over.  Here's all my "On Winning" entries in a row for you.  I thought it was a lot of fun and really enjoyed every aspect of it.

On winning: By the Ultimate Winner, John

I'm coming out with a new book soon entitled "On Winning". It's going to cover the hows and whys of my victorious life. It will start with the chapter entitled "How to win your first fantasy football game and score lots of points".

The rest of the book is kind of in the air right now as I'm still waiting for other successes in my life to occur.  But, my first fantasy football victory has inspired me and I'm sure the rest will follow shortly. Here's an excerpt from chapter one:

Chapter 1: The Football Victory (and how it made my life whole)
"As I sat gazing out my window, tears streaming down my face, I realized that I was given a special calling in life. No, I wasn't meant to jump tall buildings or swallow swords. What I was meant to do, which only half the people after the first match was over could understand, was to be a winner. But not just a winner, a high-scoring winner!...
Am I the Michael Jordan of fantasy football? I would say without a doubt, I am. Not only did I hog all the points, but after my victory was secured, I showed great sportsmanship to all the losers by smiling and letting them know that there's always next week when they'll be playing someone else and actually have a chance for a win.
This was a valuable lesson to me in life: I am a winner, and the others are losers. And, with great winning power comes great responsibility. Even though I'm head and shoulders above everyone else, I have to show humility and try to make everyone around me feel like they mean something in life, even if they don't. It's a burden, but it's one I've accepted and know that I can do better than anyone else simply because they lack the humility it takes to be a leader and also lack the skill to score many points."

The book will be on sale shortly and I will be available to autograph your covers (for an extra $29.99). Thank you all, and look to the skies because that's where my point totals will be, shining as an example to what you should dream to be, even if you'll never achieve it.

On Winning (part II): By The Ultimate Winner, John.

On Winning: Part II “The Great Conspiracy Theory”*

Whenever someone has a substantially large win over their opponent, the “conspiracy theory” begins. Was John cheating? Does John have some kind of powers that allow him to see who will score X amount of points? Will John ever relax and allow someone else a victory? I’m sure these questions have filled the minds of all contestants at one time or anther. Yet, like Muhammad Ali, I am the greatest, and have a thing for butterflies and bees which compose the elements of that “uncomfortable” discussion with children. Yet without them, we’d have no valid excuses to watch Saturday morning cartoons or to buy Captain Crunch cereal…

As a child I remembered being picked last as a way to even out the teams. If I had been chosen first, the game wouldn’t be fair so they spread out the other talent before sticking me on a team. I accepted this because I wanted the teams to be fair as well. So in the same vein as being picked last, my victories show exactly why that philosophy works.

So where does someone who wins so gracefully, like myself, go from here? There’s really only one direction: sideways. As long as victory shows its beautiful head time and time again, complacency is a good thing. If we’re always trying to “improve” on perfection we’ll only be disappointed with the results.

*Again, this book will be available soon and I will offer signed copies for an extra $29.99 (pictures with me $45 extra).

On Winning (Part III): By the Ultimate Winner, John.

As a German Philosopher once said, “Rast ich, so rost ich”. After hearing this and first asking “What does that mean?” I quickly learned that it was so true. If you don’t play your best guys, you’ll go down quickly, but sometimes you also have to take chances and mix it up and play your bench guys so that they can have their moment in the sun. If they don’t do well, then you are the fool. If they do great, then you are a genius. The line between genius and fool is a very narrow line without limitations on how many times you may cross over (believe me, I’ve crossed over many times).

So where to now? Is the sky the limit? Would Columbus have discovered the Americas if he believed that? No, our potential reaches much further than a body of water, air, or space for that matter. As a great man once said, “It’s not what we make of life, but what life makes of us”. Wow, such wisdom, such depth. Let us take a moment to ponder these things…

On Winning (Part IV: A New Hope ): By the Ultimate Winner, John.*

When I was younger and going through my intense training atop the Kongur Tiube Mountains , my master, Sün Yu Sauk, gave me a life lesson that I have never forgotten and have integrated into my every-day life. As I sat there, with devastatingly intense power at the morning arm wrestling contests, he patted me on the back and gave me the best advice I have ever received: “let them win!” After contemplating this for a few moments, I let my next opponent claim the victory and was filled with a sense of satisfaction I had never felt before. When the contestants left to catch the morning bus, I handed them their lunch sacks, knelt and hugged them, and then realized how important those words Master Sauk gave to me were!

“Let them win!” Greater wisdom was never spoken! What unmatched guidance he gave me that day which allowed me to not only increase my feelings of self-worth, but made me favored among his seventeen children, all of whom I had the privilege of preparing their daily sacked nutrients, and of seeing off to their morning classes. As his eldest caught my eyes the next morning, a tear was shed at the joy he felt in defeating me. I gave him a thumbs up and told him he would someday grow to be a great warrior. For a boy of just ten years, his response was well beyond his physical appearance. He wiped his tear and said, “John, someone needs to teach you what that means up here!” and then responded to me with a double thumbs up.

“Let them win! Let them win!” how I miss those days! All I can do is strive to emulate that feeling with those around me.

*An excerpt from the award winning author. Be the first on your block to own this great inspirational book by keeping your eyes peeled for your chance to preorder. Preorders subject to change and are non-refundable.

On Winning (Part V) By the Ultimate Winner, John.*

One of the key aspects in the art of winning is the ability to seize the day when required. If you are unable to secure the victory in your time of need, you will surely lose. Simplistic as this may sound, you have to look at the bigger picture. If I were to lose just enough to have to play catch up, then I wouldn’t be showing dominance and therefore would not be giving others a reason to look up to me. Instead of I have chosen to go with the dominance route while still staying just an inch beyond the reach of those around me. Consider me the “carrot” in front of the donkey’s nose. In this case, the carrot is referring to glorious glittering gold and the donkey is referring to my opponents (whoever they may be). Not saying all my opponents resemble donkeys, but I think the point is obvious…

The burden of victory is never an easy one to bear. If it were easy, more people would surely do it. Yet, with every competition, only one person seems to have enough drive and courage to be victorious. I have taken upon myself this burden to ease the pain of those around me. Consider it a generous act of charity that I so humbly take upon myself. Were I just an average person with no sense of community and no willingness to serve, I would just flounder my opportunities away with mediocre results. How simple is that? Instead, I have chosen to be a beacon of light shining the way for all to see. How hard superiority and humility are to mix, yet through it all, I have excelled at both and have been a ray of hope for those without….

*Remember to get those preorders in, they are going quick, just like chocolate-chip hotcakes at a weight-loss camp!

On Winning (Part VI): By The Ultimate Winner, John.*

In every event, whether it be sporting or something else, attention is vital. If you don’t keep your head in the game and avoid getting distracted, then you will lose. A few years back, I went to see Zorro and fell in love with Catherine Zeta-Jones. The movie was ok, but seeing her made me actually go see the movie again. She was just… wow. Then there was The Mask, that Jim Carrey movie. I totally fell in lust with Cameron Diaz when she walked into the bank from the pouring rain in that sleek red dress… But, back to my point. When you don’t focus on what you’re doing, you tend to lose. Even though you think you got it “in the bag” you just have to maintain your attention on what you’re doing, it’s all trial and error… Speaking of which, does anyone remember that show? Trial and Error was the first show I saw with Charlize Theron in it, and I must say, she was captivating to say the least. First impressions are important, and even though the show stunk, she made a great impression on me!

When someone grabs your attention, you have to decide whether their attention is worthy of a loss in Fantasy Football or not. Not blaming anyone other than myself for my loss, but I was certainly distracted, which took my focus off of the game and onto something else, which in turn made it so that I wasn’t controlling the outcome, hence the reason for my opponent’s huge game. Does anyone remember the show While You Were Sleeping? Sandra Bullock was so beautiful in that show! She really took a downhill slide after that (and kept going), like so many others, but man she was awesome in that show… I’m still in love with that woman simply because of that movie…

I guess focus is a must now... on to next week... and what is it about Jessica Simpson that is soooo captivating? In order to figure it out... I'll go check her out some more (for scientific purposes)...

On Winning (Part VII): By The Ultimate Winner, J ohn*

The glimpses of success that we are allowed to see prod us on and give us hope. There are those that are naturally successful, and then there are those that are teased with the prospect of being worth more than they actually are. You can tell these individuals apart by their consistency.
Have you ever heard the little saying, “slow and steady wins the race”? Well, it’s garbage, and don’t believe it. But, a fool is he who also believes that sporadic moments of greatness will help you achieve the desired ending. For example, let’s look at Karl Malone and John Stockton. Moments of greatness were not enough to get a championship ring, yet the consistent play of Robert Horry, an obvious candidate for one of the greatest ever, has won him an amazing seven championship rings! While these lesser players in Stockton and Malone sit back, polishing their division trophies, Horry is deciding how to wear all his rings on both hands. It’s truly the mark of a great player when they can say, “Hey, I have seven championships, how many do you have?” What can Karl and John say to that?

In that sense, it seems that I am in the same boat. Yes, the others in the league may get some wins, but in the end, when I’m polishing my trophy, all I’ll have to ask is, “Hey, I have the championship, what do you have, a bunch of lollipops?” And then I will go hang out with Mr. Horry and we can talk about our greatness and the ineffective natures of our competition.
So, the next time you ask, “Who is the greatest?” Don’t be surprised when you see my name at the top of the list (where it belongs). Being the best certainly takes skill, superiority, and humility, and fortunately, I excel at all of those things more than anyone else.

On Winning (Part VIII): By The Ultimate Winner, John*

Have you ever tried to stop time? Just stare at a clock for a while and try it. What happens? This is the feeling that people get when they play against me. Whatever the sport or event might be, the bottom line is that you can’t stop me, just like you can’t stop time.

There have been moments where a certain length of time seemed longer than it should have been, yet that was only the slowing of time, not the actual stoppage. My record indicates a slowing of time that has occurred twice. But, stopped? No. Time continues to move forward and my record shows how I have prevented it from coming to a standstill.

This is the way of the warrior. We create an atmosphere where our foes are looked upon as game. We set them free, give them a few minutes to collect their thoughts, and then use our extreme prowess and cunning to strike them down just when they think freedom is theirs. Is this cruel? I believe not. In every food chain, every piece plays a role that contributes to the top. When you’re the top, you have nothing but respect for the helpless creatures below that you devour. A prayer of thanksgiving is given as flesh is ripped from bone and the screams of the hunted, while at first shrill and filled with panic, slowly fade into acceptance of their role. If you listen closely as blood drips from the jowls of the mighty, you can hear a sincere “thank you” escape their lips, and life is good.

On Winning (Part IX): By The Ultimate Winner, John*

After my excruciating training atop the Kongur Tiube Mountains , I was sent by Master Sün Yu Sauk to the plains of the Americas to learn control and trust. The Plains Indians took me in as one of their own and showed me the way to master concentration. They named me “sitting duck” for the way my life would fly straight in the face of adversity, always reaching my goal.

Sitting in the midst of a giant field, I was instructed to concentrate on the energies that flowed around me, taking in all they had to offer and utilizing their unique gifts to thwart my enemies, while softly blowing a special instrument that was to assist my soul in reaching a complete state of meditation. As I sat contemplating on the ways of winning and securing victory, a great rumbling shook the earth and I felt as though the Great Spirit himself was massaging my soul, imbuing me with an energy that pierced me to the core. I closed my eyes and soaked in the gifts from above.


When I woke up at the local hospital, I was told by the Chief that I was a great instrument in the hunt and that the buffalo, curious as to why I was there, made a perfect path to me, which then allowed the children to stay warm and eat for another day. I guess I was just in the right place at the right time. While some might call this a tragedy due to the injuries I sustained, I call it the will of the Great Spirit. And, if that “will” means getting trampled by a few thousand buffalo, I’ll do it when that sacrifice means the children get their fur coats. Do it for the children, that’s my motto.

On Winning (Part X): By The Ultimate Winner, John*

Diversity… what does it mean? Does it mean that we oppress the majority to satisfy the minority? It seems this is the case, and in fantasy football, there is certainly a minority, and I am referring to myself.

I am in the minority that possesses the skills required to win on a consistent basis. Being the minority, I require, no… let me rephrase that, I demand certain equalities be shifted to my favor. No longer will you be able to refer to me by the name of John. From now on, it’s “Almighty Ruler John” and if you don’t refer to me by that name, then I will take you to court and sue you for everything you’ve got.

Being the minority in a fantasy football league means that I alone possess the skills required to be number one, while the rest of you penguins fight for position amongst your clones. There’s a reason you are the majority, and that’s because I have separated myself from the group to lead and show by example what you may someday become. Of course, that’s just a glimpse, not a reality. In this world of equality, there can be only one on top, and that is me.

The only other unique person is he or she who finds themselves at the bottom. This position is also equally important because without it, those stuck in mediocrity wouldn’t be able to judge themselves against anyone but the top (me) and that would lead to depression and feelings of inadequacy. So praise be to the minorities who give the majority something to strive for. Keep striving, you just might be a minority someday… just not today.

*Almighty Ruler John

On Winning (Part XI): By The Ultimate Winner, John*

Passive aggression is what I would call the ultimate in sportsmanship. It covers all your bases and allows the passive aggressor to slyly pull out a win that can’t be reckoned with. Yet, in the event of a close match, or even a loss, the passive aggressor can simply shrug his or her shoulders and still feel superior. Of course, when you win, it’s much better because your smug yet humble look simply says, “Hey, this was no big deal and I could have done it any other day of the week as well!” Let me put this another way: If I were to simply walk along the sidewalk, squashing ants as I go, would the victory of each battle (each ant squashed) be worth talking about? No. But, if I held my head up high and, while using my extremely acute peripheral vision, was able to witness each squashing, while showing an attitude of just walking, wouldn’t that make each squish worthwhile?

So, when dealing with humans, you must simply make it look like you’re not squashing them because your head is held high, giving the appearance of aloofness to the situation, all the while the feelings of glee that comes from squashing your brother or sister enters and builds up inside so that you have to occasionally look away and let out the devious look and laughter before collecting yourself to once again show the world that it really doesn’t mean all that much.

So, until next week, this week is over and I’ve once again done what everyone expected of me. So, no big surprises and no let-downs: Just another day at the office…

*With the season entering the latter half, remember to get your preorders in soon, so you’ll be the first on the block to own this great work!

On Winning (Part XII): By The Ultimate Winner, John*

What would life be without the necessities that accompany it? What would hunger be without the desire for food? Thirst without the desire for drink would be the same. What I do in life is instill the hunger and thirst in my fellow beings for that feeling of acceptance that only comes with victory. By winning time and time again, I give others the opportunity to know contrast. I win, they lose. Opposites attract and it seems that when I face my foe, I bring out the opposite of my outcome in them. I mostly feel like a winner, therefore, my opponents get the opportunity to feel the opposite.

What this does for my adversaries is give them the ability to see that the grass is truly greener on the other side: my side. My lawn is beautiful and green with plush, healthy blades of waving grass flowing in the gentle breeze waiting for someone to sink their feet into its softness, spread a blanket out, and have a picnic under the weeping willow. Though, in my world, we don’t call it a weeping willow. We call it the “victorious willow”, and we use it as our symbol of victory and strive to emulate its all encompassing majesty.

So, on your way to wherever it may be, look around you and see the victorious willows that are scattered throughout the land. Each one is a symbol of my victories, and each time you see one, you may think in your mind, “Yes, John is victorious, and there’s the proof!”

*With time running short, remember that it's not too late to preorder your copy of my soon-to-be best-selling title!

On Winning (Part XIII): By The Ultimate Winner, John*

Have you ever been walking through a plague-ridden town and saw the decaying zombies marching along, dragging their feet as if they actually had someplace to go? They move at such a slow clip that anyone short of dead could walk away, “smelling the roses” as they exit, and still be a mile ahead of the flesh-eating zombie mutations that are stalking them. Yet, every time you enter one of these towns, there are bodies everywhere of the fallen! What, were they sleeping in the streets and couldn’t hear the moaning coming from behind, or the sliding of the feet being drug along? Pathetic! All I can say is that these people who got killed in the zombie infested towns deserve what they got for being slackers! In the same vein as fantasy football, if you choose to be a zombie and drag your feet, then you deserve to be in the pack of other “zombies” like yourself. At least in fantasy football zombies attack each other as well as try the vain pursuit of the only non-undead left in town.

So, the flesh-eaters consume other flesh-eaters, while the human protagonist races through buildings and searches for the sole surviving human, a very hot female that could have been a supermodel had she chosen to, but instead made the moral decision to stay at home and take care of her ill grandmother, who she had to dismember with grandpa’s old machete which he used to clear the weeds from the garden and kept it right above the fireplace for safe keeping, all because grandma decided that Sarah was going to be “what’s for dinner” that night.

It’s a sad tale, and one that happens far too often to be just an urban legend. I’ve seen it. I’ve lived it. Yet, through it all, I’ve grown into the master of evasion and destroyer of the undead who prides himself on his skill, cunning, and heightened senses that allow me to be the master I have become.

Listen, do you hear that? That is the sound of feet shuffling… or in other words, 2nd through 8th place…

*In stores soon!

On Winning (Part XIV): By The Ultimate Winner, John*

As the pen glides across the paper, a mark is left behind. The pen has been called more powerful than the sword, and this week I put that statement to the test. What I found out was that the pen, while mighty in its own right, lacks the ability to lacerate the epidermal covering that is spread over the (sometimes) muscular frame of homo sapiens. Doctors know this all too well, as they learned a long time ago that doing surgery with a pen compared to a scalpel just wasn’t the same. Not only did the pen make unwanted marks, but it also didn’t penetrate as cleanly as the scalpel. A blade just simply works better.

When Genghis Khan led the Mongolians to battle, did he whip out his pen and decapitate the Asian armies he set out to destroy? I don’t think you’d ever hear Mr. Khan exclaim, “Excuse me while I jab at your neck with my Bic till your head pops off!” No, he would pull out his axe and not give his opponent any chance to argue because before they knew it, their heads would be rolling around on the ground getting them dizzy for those brief moments before they blacked out!

So, another week, another lesson learned.

On Winning (Part XV): By The Ultimate Winner, John

There’s a reason why submarines can only go so deep into the ocean. The pressure builds up and causes the capsule to implode upon itself, thus destroying all occupants who were previously enjoying the casual stroll to the bottom of the deep blue.

Each loss is like submerging your capsule deeper and deeper. Eventually, your capsule will implode and you’ll be finished. I like to keep myself in a position of relative safety, but certainly allow room for a dip in the pool. I’ve adjusted my air pressure to ensure my capsule will never implode, nor will it sink below the low standard set by other capsule-bearing participants. I use these other participants as gauges by which I measure my own safety levels and then I witness their destruction and refuse to sink that low.

As the one at the bottom frantically claws and grabs for anything, it seems my foot was clasped onto and an attempt at lowering me was made. With a swift kick, I was able to shrug off the pull and retain my safe level of submersion. Fortunately, I have many heads below me that I can use as steps to ensure my safety and secure my place as the leader.

  On Winning (Part XVI): By The Ultimate Winner, John

“Winning”, what does it really mean? Does it mean that one person defeats another in some form of a contest where there are variations in outcome that can depict the self-worth of the contestants? I believe this is the case, and it would appear that I am the only one worthy of feeling good about myself. While those around me flounder when faced with the trial of combating their opponent, I take the challenge as a test of my strength. Whether it means winning by one point or many, it makes no difference, as long as my actions cause the self-worth of my opponents to be lessened. This is the true spirit of competition, and is what all noble warriors strive for. As the others look around and realize that their attempts have been in vain, I can only stand tall and be proud due to my accomplishments.

King of the hill, some call it. Others call it “tug-of-war” and yet others still call it by other names, checkers, backgammon, and hopscotch, to name a few. But, no matter what you call it, it all boils down to one thing: being the winner. Without winners, there would be no losers, and without losers, competition would be called something else, like “equality” and other lame names like that. There can be no equality! I have a dream, and in that dream, I am the greatest!

As the wheels of time turn, we must accept the fate offered to us by the Football Gods. Sometimes they smile upon us (as in the case of me) and sometimes they ignore us (sorry, Sam). When they ignore us, we must accept our fate and continue to look forward to better days (next year). When they smile upon us, we must accept our fate and flaunt it (as I do so well). Through the course of this season, we’ve seen ups and downs (my ups, your downs) and have had good times and bad times (my good, your bad). It is with an uplifted heart and a humble attitude that I take my greatness to the podium and preach my sermon on winning week after week. I was born for higher things than the rest of you (first place) and will continue to be a beacon of hope, a position you all can hope for as you watch me walk away with the trophy.

Thus ends “On Winning”, and with the end comes a sincere, heart-filled thank you to the league for letting me constantly walk on your heads and rub you into the dirt. I have no regrets, other than not winning by a higher winning percentage, as well as point total. Next year, perhaps someone else will know what winning feels like. Then you can know how it feels to be great (like me!). Until then…

And so, the season ends... how I will miss writing these (until next season!).  It was fun, and even if I had lost, it would have been exciting and worth doing... but... I didn't lose!  I am the champion!  Ahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

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